When you realize what abuse is, you see it everywhere

There are moments in my life where things change and there becomes a “before time” and an “after.” I think we all have these moments in our lives. Something pivotal and upending happens (or, ends) and life as we know it is fundamentally different moving forward.

Reading When Love Hurts: A Women’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships, feels like one such moment in my life. More specifically, it feels as though I’ve received a new pair of glasses through which to view the world and so, now that I’ve read the book, my world and everything in it is framed with this new perspective.

When Love Hurts is a book for women who are or have experienced abuse from their romantic partners (past or present). Karen and Jill specifically speak to women’s relationships with men, but acknowledge that abuse can be experienced in same-sex partnerships as well. 

The book details what abuse is and why our understanding of abuse must change, because it is not just about physical violence. It also speaks to why we must break our preconceived notions of what kinds of women end up in abusive relationships: all women can experience abuse, regardless of age, socioeconomic status, or emotional maturity. 

It illuminates how abuse in relationships shows up, and how abuse is cyclical in nature. There is a large component of the book dedicated to a discussion on safety, and why it’s not always the best choice for a woman to leave an abusive relationship, for so many reasons.

Life now feels clearer after reading this book, but also a bit more terrifying, because now I see.

Abuse. Is. Everywhere.

The depths of it are staggering.

I see abuse playing out in a lot of places right now. I see it in the lives of my female friends. We are all collectively shaking our heads wondering, “Are we crazy?” The answer, according to this book, is “NO.” 

“If you are experiencing abuse, the problem will persist no matter what you try to change about yourself, your partner, or your relationship. This is because the problem is his abuse–his need to have control in your relationship.”

When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse In Relationships

At a recent training given by the authors, I asked the group how we stop this cycle of violence and one participant piped up with, “Dismantle the patriarchy.” and it feels appropriate. 

Violence against women starts with male domination and until men sort that out, violence will continue to perpetuate itself.